Can't Always Turn Back Time
by SMS13
Summary: Some mistakes that are made, can't always be undone or forgotten... Joint fic with KattyBaby2318...
1. Life

**_Author's Notes: Please review!!!_**

I stir. That's all I've been doing every night for the last three months. Stirring. Stirring milk. Because my two year old daughter will not go to bed without having her warmed milk. So I continue to stir. Over and over again. The froth forms at the top and I turn off the heat, letting it cool before pouring in a little strawberry syrup and giving it to her. I hear pounding footsteps on the hardwood floor and I turn to see my four year old running in, the little devil behind him.

"Mia, slow down!"

I scoop down and pick up my little bundle of joy. She lets out a burst of giggles and digs her head into my shoulder. I prop her up higher so I have a better grasp on her butt, and my son looks up at me with pleading eyes. He always gets in trouble. Most of the time I know it's Mia's fault, but I have to teach Nathan a little responsibility once in a while, especially taking care of his little sister. I put Mia down and place a kiss on Nate's head. She goes running off again and he throws up his hands in defeat, and goes after her. I pull out Mia's up and pour the steaming liquid into it. I put it on the counter for a few minutes as I follow my son into the living room. I see him holding Mia on the sofa, her little head resting in his lap. Their both worn out. Mia looks so adorable when she's sleeping, that's probably the only time. She's such a disaster since she started walking. And developing a vocabulary. Damn was definitely not one of the first words I wanted to hear out of my daughter's mouth. I pick her up from the couch and walk her toward her room. I pull her shirt up over her hands and throw on her pajama top. I hand her her pants and she starts to kick off her pants. I walk out to the kitchen to get her milk. I take a sip, it's perfect. I walk back and she's already sitting up, under the covers. I hand her the cup, and she takes it quickly. I push her straight brown hair away from her face, and she gulps the milk quickly. I wipe the drips away from her face and she laughs as I do so. Apparently I tickle her. She hands me the leftover remains of the cup and I scoot her down into bed. I pull the sheets over her body and turn on the night light. I kiss her on the forehead and I walk toward the door, leaving it halfway closed.

I see Nate sitting on the chair, already in his pajamas. I wrap my arms around him and pull him up. I start walking with him toward his room as he struggles to get away from me. He's trying to be mad at me for carrying him, but he's laughing half the time through his screams. I plop him down on his bed and he collapses into a fit of giggles. I pull the covers over him and smother him in a mess of kisses, all against his will. I give him one last kiss before making my way to the door.

"Mommy?"

His voice rings out in the dark room, I can feel the question coming on, the question he asks every so often. He keeps that hope up, and I guess I sort of help him, although I shouldn't be.

"Yes?"

He takes a deep breathe, a little bit of anticipation lurking behind him. I know he thinks I know everything, that I can fix everything, that I'm a superhero and a mom rolled into one, but I'm not. I'm far from it.

"When's daddy coming home?"

I turn on the nightlight by the edge of his dresser, although he doesn't need it, I need it to be able to see that he's there when I get back in the early morning hours.

"I don't know baby."

I walk out the door, holding back any sign of regret or pain. I can't let them see that he hurt me so much. I believed every word he said, I believed that he would be a wonderful husband, a great father. And he was. For a time. Yet I can't let him go. Even after he left me without a word, even after he left me alone with two kids, one of which he's never met, I can't let him go. His wedding band still shines on my finger. His picture still stands on my dresser. I make my way back to the front, my babysitter should be here shortly. He stole everything from me. I have to work nights to be able to be with my kids. I can't walk in and check up on them in the middle of the night. I've lied awake wondering where he is, what I did to make him run away so fast. I keep wondering how Nate's going to let him go. Nate knew him. I believed every word the jackass told me. And then he left me.

I slam the picture of Carter down from the mantle. He ruined my life. He gave me the two most important things in my life, but he kills me. Nate looks so much like him, I seriously think I see a miniature version of him every time he smiles. I can't do this. My doorbell rings and Sarah walks in, ready to stay the night as I go off to the hectic life of the ER. The story of my life for over two years. My husband left me and our two children. I'm a single mother trying to raise two toddlers without going insane. And I'm also a doctor saving lives every single day. Wonderful.


	2. The Haunting Past

**_Author's Notes: Okay so I sorta pulled Kat into this... This is her chapter.... Enjoy!! Hey Kat, if you ever choose to check these things, and I hope you do, you are such an amazing writer, thank you so much for giving me the chance to work with you, and learn from you!!! I love you!!! _**

Mists of smoke fly through the clear day. Voices screech and holler, as the blue-sky overhead provide a false sanctuary. The freedom and peace it represents doesn't exist here. Fear lies in the heart of every civilian, not knowing what tomorrow brings, hell, not knowing what the next hour brings. Little voices plead for everything to be all right. Their language once foreign is now familiar. They beg for life and peace, something no one can give them here.

Wrapping the leg of a small boy, I whisper to him that everything will be okay. A lie, he knows it, and so do I, but for a short second it gives us both some hope. Such simple words can be a sanctuary. I pull the tiny body close to my own, he couldn't be any older than four. His eyes are hollow and empty, they hold a sort of pain not even a middle-aged man has battled. I bring his shaking form close to my chest and hold him as the gun shots rip through the sky. I try to shush him, but it brings him no comfort. His mother soon appears, and takes him from me. She holds her son for, what could be, the last time. Her disease is slowly eating her alive. She doesn't show it, you would never know it… Unless you see the blood tests that is. I just stared at me, not believing, not caring… Sometimes I'm not sure. have, I've seen so many of the same sort in the last two years. I've told just as many people that they may not see the next day. A few cried, some stared blankly at me.

I stand up and greet his only family member. He asks her again about his father, the same father that was shot and killed a week ago. The same father he'll never get to see again. I watch as she kisses his rough cheek, and a tear threatens to fall down her own. Nodding, I excuse myself from the pair and walk to my tent, which has been my home for the last two years. I push the heavy cloth to the side, and look at the cluttered mess. Clothes are strewn all over the floor, the sheets on my bed have been tossed haphazardly to the end. I ignore all of this and look to my wall of pictures. Every time I get a small child it reminds me of my own. I pick up the picture of Nathan, the only one I have. I wonder what he looks like now, if he remembers me, if he could forgive me…

I couldn't.

Hell, I never forgave my own parents for leaving me emotionally. How is he ever suppose to forgive me for leaving him emotionally and physically? Double whammy. _I'm sorry Nate._ I toss the picture to the floor, watching as it tumbles down into the mass of dirty clothes. I just want to hold him one more time, let him know that I love him, that I was scared. It's too late for that… It's always too late.

Running my fingers through my hair, then down my face, I scratch my beard and run my fingers down over my chest. I was catching a dream, an allusion, I left my family to chase a family I never had. A feeling of shame watches over me, like it often does when I think about this. I can't go back, I can never go back. I'll lead my life not knowing my son and my other child. I don't even know the name of my child. I left before he or she was born.

"John-" A voice breaks my thoughts and I look up, "we're all heading out for dinner, you want to come?" I nod my affirmation to Debbie, and follow her out of the tent. I remember when Debbie and I dated, she was more like a fling… a rebound. I didn't meet someone I could love, someone I _did _love, till a month or two later. I shake my head freeing myself of any thoughts of her.

"Someone called for you today." Debbie states as she opens the door to the truck.

"Oh yeah?" I ask, seemingly uninterested.

"Yeah."

"Who?" She smiles before dipping into the truck.

"Some guy from some foundation." I shake my head, I swear I worked all that shit out. "Jack… Carter." She gives me a pointed look. Jack Carter, not just some guy. No he's more than some guy; he's the guy.

"My father called?" My voice breaks. Why would he call? I haven't talked to my father since… Hell since Kem, he hasn't been a part of my life for over six years.

"Yep, he said he wants you to call him as soon as possible." Yeah, I'll get right on that one. I'm not sure what the motives were behind the phone call, but I won't buy into what ever they were. I don't want to talk to him, I haven't talked to anyone from Chicago for years, and for some reason I don't think he should be the first person I talk too. I think I owe a call to someone else… A call I know I'll never make.

"Okay thanks."

"He also said something about lawyers…"

"What about lawyers?" Is this some sort of game of torture or something?

"Look John, I really think that's something you need to work out with your family. Besides he didn't say, I'm just the messenger." Fair enough I guess… I just might have to make that phone call. I have feeling this one could be important.

"Thanks." We make the rest of the drive in silence, as my thoughts eat away at me.

I've noticed that lately I've been worrying a lot more. Maybe because the reality of what I have done has suddenly sunk in. I can't hide the feelings I once smothered before. I have to be honest. I stare at the ceiling of my tent for the third night in a row, unable to sleep again. Dinner with others got my mind of my troubles a bit, but now they have resurfaced.

"John…" I look up seeing a head in my tent, Gillian this time. "Phone."

_**Review Responses:**_

_**iloveleo15:** Carter was a jerk... Everything gets explained over the next few chapters, I promise!_

_**ERdoctor15:** Yup. Mia's 2 years old, and Nate's 4. And it is Carter we are talking about... Sorry I didn't make it clear!!_


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